Quote:Why don't blind people sky dive?
It scares the living hell out of the "Seeing Eye Dog."
Quote:Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
Quote:A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After a while she got into the freezer, next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream. The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
Quote:A blind guy walks into a bar and says he wants to tell a blond joke. The bartender stops him and says,"Before you tell it I'd just like to let you know that I'm blond and I've been known to poison drinks of customers that piss me off, and the woman next to you is blond and she just got out of prison for murder, the woman sitting next to her is blond and she's in a biker gang, the woman on your other side is also blond and she's a black belt in karate, and the woman next to her is also blond and she's a professional body builder. So, are you sure you still want to tell a blond joke?"
The blind guy pauses, then says,"You're right. It's probably better that I don't tell the joke..."
"...because I don't want to have to explain it five times."
Quote:The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with
a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was
bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
The preacher fainted.
Quote:Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. This dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog was named Measure. He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the construction worker and asked, "What can your dog do?"
The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, "Show these fellows what you can do!" Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back. While doing so, he filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman's compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.
Quote:A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Quote:A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Quote:A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Quote:A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Quote:Like I says, two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ...there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon..ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ...Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees..........
Ees...
...Eees a Ham Bush!